Rant of Valakut: The Sounds of the Sea

If you’re Canadian, odds are that you’ve heard the song “Barrett’s Privateers” at some point in your life. Most people I know are familiar with the tune, even if they don’t know the name of the song. It’s a classic written by Stan Rogers in the style of a sea shanty. I quite like the song, and I invite you to take a listen:

Why do I bring this up, you ask?

Well, with Ixalan rapidly approaching, I have been thinking of pirates and pirate songs, and the recent defeat of Jace at the hands of Nicol Bolas seemed like a good source of inspiration for a shanty. With that in mind I decided to re-write the lyrics of Barrett’s Privateers to be an account of the Gatewatch and the Hour of Devastation.

For your reading pleasure, I present to you “Jace’s Gatewatcheers” – to be sung to the tune of “Barrett’s Privateers”:

 

JACE’S GATEWATCHEERS

Oh, we’d just destroyed a planar gate.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
I heard a remark from Gideon
‘Bout the scummiest Dragon I’d ever seen.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

Old Nicol Bolas ruled the plane.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
With daily brave men all clamouring through
Trails to join all the Amonkhet’s true.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

The Amonkhet’s suns were a sweltering sight.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
They had left a scorch on the the endless sands,
With the crocs in the shadows and the ‘diggers in rags!

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

Into Naktamun we found entry.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
We were taken aback in every way,
It’d be madness not to stay!

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

On the horizon lay two suns aligned.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
When the bloody great dragon hove in sight,
With my four companions we made to fight.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

The God-Pharoah had scales of gold.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
He was smart and fast fierce in frays,
Just to stall him took Liliana ten zombies.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

Then at last we stood on that fateful day.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
My four companions made an awful din,
But with one fat claw he crushed Gideon.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

Lil and Nissa stood and fought by my side
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
They were both smashed like two dingus eggs
And a great thump put out Chandra’s flames.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

 

Now here I lay in anguish and fear.
How I wish I was on Ravnica!
It seems my memory’s washed away,
And I can only remember yesterday.

Goddamn Bolas!
I was told we’d save the planes from all of their woes,
We’d never run – Shed no tears!
Now I’m a broken man
on an Ixalan pier,
The last surviving Gatewatcheer.

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