Rant of Valakut: Two, Blue and Black

The following is an excerpt from the timeshifted archives of The Abbott and Costello Show (Episode 53, “The Gathering”):

Costello: So I hear you guys are doing a game night this weekend.

Abbott: That we are. We’re playing some casual Magic.

Costello: I was hoping, if it were possible, for me to borrow one of your decks.

Abbott: Oh, sure thing. I have one I think you’ll like.

Costello: Good, good. The only problem is, I don’t know any of the cards you’re using. I was thinking you could tell me about your deck so that when we play on the weekend I’ll know what I’m doing.

Abbott: Sure thing. But you know we use some weird cards in these decks.

Costello: Oh yeah?

Abbott: Yeah. Cards like Everythingamajig and Old Fogey.

Costello: Well, why don’t you talk me through a few turns so I can get an idea.

Abbott: Alright. So with a good draw I’m going to start by playing an Island and a Swamp, then I’ll tap them both to pay for X.

Costello: What are you paying for?

Abbott: X.

Costello: What is it?

Abbott: X.

Costello: I get that it’s an X spell, but which card is it?

Abbott: X.

Costello: What is the spell’s name?

Abbott: I’m paying for X.

Costello: I’m not asking you what cost you’re paying, I’m asking you what spell you’re casting!

Abbott: I’m telling you, I’m paying for X.

Costello: Ok, fine! Whatever spell you’re casting, you’re tapping your Island and your Swamp for X.

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: So you’re paying Blue and Black for X?

Abbott: You got it.

Costello: So X is 2 mana?

Abbott: Absolutely. The spell costs 2. Blue and Black.

Costello: But I thought you said you only had a Swamp and an Island.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: But you’re paying 4 mana.

Abbott: No, I told you, X is 2.

Costello: So the spell costs 2, Blue and Black.

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: So you’ve got 4 mana.

Abbott: No, X is only 2.

Costello: That’s what I said. 2, Blue and Black.

Abbott: Right. The spell costs 2. Blue and Black.

Costello: 2, Blue and Black.

Abbott: You’ve got it.

Costello: That’s 4 mana.

Abbott: No.

Costello: Yes it is! Look, tell it to me again.

Abbott: It’s 2. Blue and Black.

Costello: That’s what I said: 2, Blue and Black, same as you!

Abbott: Exactly.

Costello: That’s 4 mana!

Abbott: No, I’m telling you, X is only 2.

Costello: And you’re paying Blue and Black for X.

Abbott: Of course.

Costello: But your spell costs 4.

Abbott: No, it costs 2.

Costello: Oooo…! Alright then. This X spell, what kind of card is it?

Abbott: It’s a creature.

Costello: Right, so you cast your X spell, and you get a creature.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And like all X creatures, when it comes into play you’ll need counters, right?

Abbott: I do use some counters with the deck.

Costello: What kind of counters do you use?

Abbott: I like to use hard counters to protect my cards, like Foil.

Costello: You use foil as a counter?

Abbott: Yeah, Sure.

Costello: And it protects your cards?

Abbott: It does.

Costello: How?

Abbott: It’s free.

Costello: Really? Where’d you get your foil?

Abbott: At my local game store.

Costello: They had foil?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: …At the game store?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You didn’t get it at a grocery store or anything?

Abbott: No, they don’t sell Foil at the grocery store!

Costello: No foil at the grocery store, eh?

Abbott: No, of course not.

Costello: Is this a special foil or something?

Abbott: No, I just use a regular Foil.

Costello: Just your typical shiny foil.

Abbott: No, now wait a minute. My Foil isn’t shiny.

Costello: But you just said it was regular foil.

Abbott: Exactly.

Costello: Normal foil is shiny.

Abbott: No, if it’s shiny they call that foil.

Costello: Isn’t that what I said?

Abbott: No. Not every Foil is foil.

Costello: I’m confused.

Abbott: If it’s foil it’s premium.

Costello: And what if it’s not foil?

Abbott: Then it’s regular.

Costello: And it’s free if it’s regular?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: But if it’s premium it costs more?

Abbott: No, both are free.

Costello: So why is one called premium and one regular if they’re both free?

Abbott: Because one is foil. The regular one isn’t.

Costello: Right, and if it’s regular it isn’t called ‘foil’?

Abbott: No, even if it isn’t foil it’s still called Foil.

Costello: You’ve lost me.

Abbott: It’s not that complicated, really.

Costello: Oh yeah. It’s real simple…. Tell me, do you have any other creatures in the deck?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Can you tell me the name of another one?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: Can’t you tell me today?

Abbott: I am telling you.

Costello: Ok, what’s the other creature?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You just said you’d tell me today!

Abbott: I am telling you: Tomorrow!

Costello: Why tomorrow?

Abbott: I like familiar things.

Costello: Tomorrow’s familiar?

Abbott: No, Azami’s Familiar.

Costello: Ah ha! So you have Azami in the deck.

Abbott: No, just Tomorrow.

Costello: You’re saying Azami‘s in the deck tomorrow?

Abbott: No, Tomorrow.

Costello: That’s what I said.

Abbott: No, you said Azami was in the deck. I only include the Familiar.

Costello: Didn’t you say Azami‘s familiar?

Abbott: I did.

Costello: But Azami isn’t in the deck?

Abbott: Just Tomorrow.

Costello: Just tomorrow?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: So tomorrow you’re putting Azami in the deck.

Abbott: No.

Costello: But you’ll change the deck after tomorrow?

Abbott: Sorry?

Costello: You’ll change it that night?

Abbott: It’s not really a knight deck.

Costello: So wait, you mean you’d just play it during the day?

Abbott: No, I just mean that it’s not the best deck for knights.

Costello: What would you do to make it a night deck?

Abbott: I would have to totally rework the deck, wouldn’t I?

Costello: You’d change it just for nights?

Abbott: Naturally. The best knight decks use White.

Costello: But you wouldn’t change anything for tomorrow?

Abbott: No, Tomorrow is fine.

Costello: …Right. So let me see if I have this straight: It’s turn 2 and you pay Blue and Black for your X spell.

Abbott: With a good opening hand, yes.

Costello: Sure. Right. Good. It resolves and you get your creature into play. You then use foil as a counter.

Abbott: To protect my creature.

Costello: To protect your creature, right. Then tomorrow comes and you cast another creature.

Abbott: You’ve got it.

Costello: That’s a long game.

Abbott: I suppose it could be.

Costello: I mean, it’s gotta be if you’re still playing tomorrow.

Abbott: Tomorrow is expensive.

Costello: Oh, sure, sure…. But if you want it to be a good night deck you’d have to make a bunch of changes?

Abbott: It’d change to White, yes.

Costello: That doesn’t make any sense.

Abbott: What doesn’t?

Costello: That your deck would need to change for nights.

Abbott: I told you, I’d need White. And besides, it would make my Foil worse.

Costello: Why would your foil be worse?

Abbott: Foil is best when your deck is Blue.

Costello: Why would that matter?

Abbott: Because otherwise, it isn’t free.

Costello: The store charges you differently for foil based on your deck?

Abbott: What? No. They charge differently if it’s premium.

Costello: But you said before that premium foils are also free.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: But it costs more with a different deck?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: That’s just bizarre!

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said that’s bizarre.

Abbott: Oh, no. Bazaar is in my Dredge deck!

If you’ve never seen Abbott and Costello’s famous “Who’s On First” routine, I cannot recommend it enough. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll love the classic comedy skit that inspired it!