Rant of Valakut: Two, Blue and Black Ben Iverach-Brereton March 10, 2019 Rants of Valakut The following is an excerpt from the timeshifted archives of The Abbott and Costello Show (Episode 53, “The Gathering”): Costello: So I hear you guys are doing a game night this weekend. Abbott: That we are. We’re playing some casual Magic. Costello: I was hoping, if it were possible, for me to borrow one of your decks. Abbott: Oh, sure thing. I have one I think you’ll like. Costello: Good, good. The only problem is, I don’t know any of the cards you’re using. I was thinking you could tell me about your deck so that when we play on the weekend I’ll know what I’m doing. Abbott: Sure thing. But you know we use some weird cards in these decks. Costello: Oh yeah? Abbott: Yeah. Cards like Everythingamajig and Old Fogey. Costello: Well, why don’t you talk me through a few turns so I can get an idea. Abbott: Alright. So with a good draw I’m going to start by playing an Island and a Swamp, then I’ll tap them both to pay for X. Costello: What are you paying for? Abbott: X. Costello: What is it? Abbott: X. Costello: I get that it’s an X spell, but which card is it? Abbott: X. Costello: What is the spell’s name? Abbott: I’m paying for X. Costello: I’m not asking you what cost you’re paying, I’m asking you what spell you’re casting! Abbott: I’m telling you, I’m paying for X. Costello: Ok, fine! Whatever spell you’re casting, you’re tapping your Island and your Swamp for X. Abbott: That’s right. Costello: So you’re paying Blue and Black for X? Abbott: You got it. Costello: So X is 2 mana? Abbott: Absolutely. The spell costs 2. Blue and Black. Costello: But I thought you said you only had a Swamp and an Island. Abbott: I did. Costello: But you’re paying 4 mana. Abbott: No, I told you, X is 2. Costello: So the spell costs 2, Blue and Black. Abbott: That’s right. Costello: So you’ve got 4 mana. Abbott: No, X is only 2. Costello: That’s what I said. 2, Blue and Black. Abbott: Right. The spell costs 2. Blue and Black. Costello: 2, Blue and Black. Abbott: You’ve got it. Costello: That’s 4 mana. Abbott: No. Costello: Yes it is! Look, tell it to me again. Abbott: It’s 2. Blue and Black. Costello: That’s what I said: 2, Blue and Black, same as you! Abbott: Exactly. Costello: That’s 4 mana! Abbott: No, I’m telling you, X is only 2. Costello: And you’re paying Blue and Black for X. Abbott: Of course. Costello: But your spell costs 4. Abbott: No, it costs 2. Costello: Oooo…! Alright then. This X spell, what kind of card is it? Abbott: It’s a creature. Costello: Right, so you cast your X spell, and you get a creature. Abbott: Yes. Costello: And like all X creatures, when it comes into play you’ll need counters, right? Abbott: I do use some counters with the deck. Costello: What kind of counters do you use? Abbott: I like to use hard counters to protect my cards, like Foil. Costello: You use foil as a counter? Abbott: Yeah, Sure. Costello: And it protects your cards? Abbott: It does. Costello: How? Abbott: It’s free. Costello: Really? Where’d you get your foil? Abbott: At my local game store. Costello: They had foil? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: …At the game store? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You didn’t get it at a grocery store or anything? Abbott: No, they don’t sell Foil at the grocery store! Costello: No foil at the grocery store, eh? Abbott: No, of course not. Costello: Is this a special foil or something? Abbott: No, I just use a regular Foil. Costello: Just your typical shiny foil. Abbott: No, now wait a minute. My Foil isn’t shiny. Costello: But you just said it was regular foil. Abbott: Exactly. Costello: Normal foil is shiny. Abbott: No, if it’s shiny they call that foil. Costello: Isn’t that what I said? Abbott: No. Not every Foil is foil. Costello: I’m confused. Abbott: If it’s foil it’s premium. Costello: And what if it’s not foil? Abbott: Then it’s regular. Costello: And it’s free if it’s regular? Abbott: Yes. Costello: But if it’s premium it costs more? Abbott: No, both are free. Costello: So why is one called premium and one regular if they’re both free? Abbott: Because one is foil. The regular one isn’t. Costello: Right, and if it’s regular it isn’t called ‘foil’? Abbott: No, even if it isn’t foil it’s still called Foil. Costello: You’ve lost me. Abbott: It’s not that complicated, really. Costello: Oh yeah. It’s real simple…. Tell me, do you have any other creatures in the deck? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Can you tell me the name of another one? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: Can’t you tell me today? Abbott: I am telling you. Costello: Ok, what’s the other creature? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You just said you’d tell me today! Abbott: I am telling you: Tomorrow! Costello: Why tomorrow? Abbott: I like familiar things. Costello: Tomorrow’s familiar? Abbott: No, Azami’s Familiar. Costello: Ah ha! So you have Azami in the deck. Abbott: No, just Tomorrow. Costello: You’re saying Azami‘s in the deck tomorrow? Abbott: No, Tomorrow. Costello: That’s what I said. Abbott: No, you said Azami was in the deck. I only include the Familiar. Costello: Didn’t you say Azami‘s familiar? Abbott: I did. Costello: But Azami isn’t in the deck? Abbott: Just Tomorrow. Costello: Just tomorrow? Abbott: That’s right. Costello: So tomorrow you’re putting Azami in the deck. Abbott: No. Costello: But you’ll change the deck after tomorrow? Abbott: Sorry? Costello: You’ll change it that night? Abbott: It’s not really a knight deck. Costello: So wait, you mean you’d just play it during the day? Abbott: No, I just mean that it’s not the best deck for knights. Costello: What would you do to make it a night deck? Abbott: I would have to totally rework the deck, wouldn’t I? Costello: You’d change it just for nights? Abbott: Naturally. The best knight decks use White. Costello: But you wouldn’t change anything for tomorrow? Abbott: No, Tomorrow is fine. Costello: …Right. So let me see if I have this straight: It’s turn 2 and you pay Blue and Black for your X spell. Abbott: With a good opening hand, yes. Costello: Sure. Right. Good. It resolves and you get your creature into play. You then use foil as a counter. Abbott: To protect my creature. Costello: To protect your creature, right. Then tomorrow comes and you cast another creature. Abbott: You’ve got it. Costello: That’s a long game. Abbott: I suppose it could be. Costello: I mean, it’s gotta be if you’re still playing tomorrow. Abbott: Tomorrow is expensive. Costello: Oh, sure, sure…. But if you want it to be a good night deck you’d have to make a bunch of changes? Abbott: It’d change to White, yes. Costello: That doesn’t make any sense. Abbott: What doesn’t? Costello: That your deck would need to change for nights. Abbott: I told you, I’d need White. And besides, it would make my Foil worse. Costello: Why would your foil be worse? Abbott: Foil is best when your deck is Blue. Costello: Why would that matter? Abbott: Because otherwise, it isn’t free. Costello: The store charges you differently for foil based on your deck? Abbott: What? No. They charge differently if it’s premium. Costello: But you said before that premium foils are also free. Abbott: Yes. Costello: But it costs more with a different deck? Abbott: Yes. Costello: That’s just bizarre! Abbott: What was that? Costello: I said that’s bizarre. Abbott: Oh, no. Bazaar is in my Dredge deck! If you’ve never seen Abbott and Costello’s famous “Who’s On First” routine, I cannot recommend it enough. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll love the classic comedy skit that inspired it! Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName Email Website Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.