Salt Road Patrol has been on a bit of a hiatus as of late, with it’s original author letting stupid things like life get in the way of getting salty about issues in the Magic community. But, fear not! I am here and I am as salty as they come.

They actually filmed a documentary about my house, which you can view below.

As you can see, Chris merely adopted the salt, I was born in it, shaped by it. So for the time being, it will be my salty musings and i hope you enjoy them as much as i do ranting about them! Remember these are my opinion and they by no means are meant to hurt anyones feelings, it is all in jest!

Let’s get the mine flowing:

1.Players on the draw who wait to look at their hand before the person on the play makes their mulligan decision.

We all know this player. You’re in round 5 of your local PPTQ, the tournament hasn’t gone quite as planned. You’re 2-2 and trying to grind out an x-2 for prize, but really it’s Saturday and you want to play some Magic. You exchange pleasantries with Rex Spikington before shuffling up and then suggest rolling a couple D6’s. They hit the table turn twice and land on 4 and 6. Rex, disgusted, picks them up and flings them across his SCG IQ Top 8 Playmat, 3 and 2. “Wow 5th Round and the 5th time I’ll be on the draw” he cries.

You peel off your 7 while Rex snaps 7 cards face down in front of him all the while never losing eye contact with you. You peer down at your hand, as you feel his stare piercing your soul looking for tells Phil Hellmuth couldn’t pick-up on, you look back at him, and smile confidently, “keep” you say.

Rex, 1 by 1 peels his cards off the table staying stone faced in attempt to hide the tilt he’s been on since losing in Round 2 to a sick Tree of Perdition/Triskaidekaphobia combo deck piloted by a guy who didn’t even know the tournament was on and was just looking for a few quick games. Who knew 0/13’s were good vs Grasp of Darkness.

Rex quickly throws his hand back, “I’ll go to 6” he says…

2. The guy with enough bags and accessories to open up his own Claire’s.

We all know this person. He sits down opens his back pack and begins to pull out the items necessary for him to start the match. Boogieboard, custom play-mat illustrated by John Avon signed by the entire Wizards coverage team. The Ultimate Guard Twin Flip n Tray deck box which holds not only his triple sleeved deck but custom hand etched stainless steel dice.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this player but as I stare down at my plastic deck box, scrap piece of paper and single sleeved deck I begin to feel a little inadequate.

I guess that’s financial freedom though!

3. People getting mad at the FNM Promos changing to Foil Double Sided Tokens.

Talk about getting my jimmies rustled. When this story broke I just knew I had to resurrect this series because the Reddit threads made my blood boil. (Reddit getting people upset? Well I never!) Who honestly played FNM for the promos? Who is going to stop playing FNM because of these tokens? Are people going to miss Reverse Engineer? Were people rioting in the streets because Servo Exhibition was the Promo?

I have an idea for anyone really upset about this change. If your LGS doesn’t give away sufficient prize so that the FNM promo will make or break your night, either FNM shouldn’t be your thing or your FNM is not worth your time.

Of the past 12 FNM promos we’ve had such home runs as Fortune’s Favor, Call the Bloodline, and Rise from the Tides. Yeah, those are sure to get asses in the seats of every LGS across North America.

In my opinion, the chance to get a double sided Thopter/Energy Reserve token is awesome. It is something I’d love to use. Due to not liking foils very much FNM promos are basically useless to me. And, from what I hear, this sentiment is shared by a lot of players.

4. Amateur Magic Speculators.

Finally, in our last point of the week, i want to talk about amateur Magic financiers. And I am not talking about the guys who put legitimate money into Magic and try to do it for real. I am talking about the guy who reads on Reddit that Intruder Alarm combos with Steward of Solidarity so they call up whatever store they frequent and buy 4 copies of Intruder Alarm at $6.

Good luck and have fun making $2 if you’re lucky when you just sell them back to the same game store 2 weeks later for $6.50. The best part is, at all points it’s these people who are not only trying to “game the system” but they are essentially trying to take advantage of the game store they call home. Yeah, really biting the hand that feeds you there eh guys?

The best thing about these guys though, is that after they tell you how smart they are for buying Smuggler’s Copters at $2 on release because “they saw how busted the card would be” they refuse to tell you about how they didn’t sell the 4 copies they “speced” on and are now are sitting on 4 cards they will sell for bulk in a few months.

It always seems like these guys have 5 stories about how they knew “Hour of Devastation” was a great buy at $3 but always leave out the fact that they bought Aurelia’s Fury at $25 because Evan Erwin said it was the next coming of Jace, the Mind Sculptor.


Well that’s all for this week, do you agree with my sentiments? Disagree? I’d love to hear what gets you riled up! Did this article get you riled up? Am I an idiot for even thinking these things? Please let me know, I’d love to have a spirited debate with you in the comment section!


5 Responses

  1. ASweelloth

    The ED resulting from that surgery may be either temporary or permanent. He is content, and the opposite of our opinion final years has in store for us.

  2. alex

    Or that guy that does pauper ponderings then goes awol and when he comes back he’s filling in for someone else but no new pauper ponderings……


    Stay salty

  3. Chris Saltwell

    > Chris merely adopted the salt, I was born in it, shaped by it.

    wow i am tilt


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