Rant of Valakut: Double the Musical, Double the Fun

Due to a clerical error, the August 2020 edition of Rolling Stoneforge Magazine went to print missing the back side of a page. It was supposed to contain the second half of “The Double Masters Musical.” The following is the missing content. Rolling Stoneforge Magazine would like to apologize for this oversight.*

It didn’t end there, though.

“Everything would be doubled.”

Wizards was already pushing the envelope with their advertising plans; producing a full-length musical would have been impressive, but management initially wanted to take the idea even further. Double Masters was going to have twice the rares, so what if they could play up the idea of “doubling” in their advertising as well? Once they released the full Roiling Horror Picture Show for fans to watch, the plan was to reveal that it was secretly part of a much larger “double” project. Everything would be doubled: double the songs, double the story…. Players love doubling effects in Magic, and double-faced cards in sets like Innistrad and Ixalan were a big hit, so why not make a “Double-Faced Musical?”

The full performance of the Double-Faced Musical would be broken into two stand-alone parts: the first half would be the bombastic glam rock show that they would reveal during preview season, while the second half would take on a darker, more serious tone, and be released all at once.

“Viewers would be given the option of watching the half of their choice.”

There was a suggestion of linking the two narratives somehow, effectively allowing the performance to transform from one show into the other. Some ideas included allowing the audience to pay to transform the show, or by having it transform if certain viewership conditions were met. These ideas were quickly thrown out as being overly complicated. Instead, viewers would be given the option of watching the half of their choice: if they needed something lighthearted and silly they could enjoy the glam rock musical, while if the wanted a more emotionally driven story they could watch the other half.

“A single-word title would go over better with audiences.”

The upbeat, glam rock musical would eventually become the Roiling Horror Picture Show, while the more serious musical was called “Rend Spirit.” While the name fit with the more serious tone they were looking for, the marketing department decided to shorten it to simply “REND.” They felt that a single-word title would go over better with audiences, especially with the longer title of the glam rock musical.

“They just didn’t have the resources to do it.”

Despite the excitement from management about the Double-Faced Musical, there were a lot of concerns that the marketing department was spreading itself too thin. Working on one musical was already proving to be hard enough, and now with double the workload, it didn’t take long for tensions to get high. An emergency meeting was scheduled to address the employees’ concerns. Management was still excited by the idea of a promotional musical, but it was quickly becoming apparent that if they were going to produce something of quality they would have to give up on the “double-faced” nature of the project. They just didn’t have the resources to do it. Because it was already further along in development, the team agreed that the Roiling Horror Picture Show would be the better project to keep, and so REND was abandoned.

“They struggle to pay their rent.”

Despite its quick cancellation, the marketing department did get a fair bit of work done on REND, including a synopsis of the musical and a vision of how they could use it to promote new products. Part of this vision was to include preview cards from upcoming sets, including Zendikar Rising, as well as highlight Arena and Standard through the narrative:

The story mainly focuses on the plight of a fantasy artist, Mark, and his roommate, Roger, as they struggle to pay their rent. Mark will be shown working on art for an upcoming Magic set, while Roger is a streamer grinding his way up the Mythic ladder on Arena. Also, several of the characters are terminally ill.

In addition to the synopsis, a single song was completed before REND was scrapped:

FOGGY SEASONS
(To the tune of Seasons of Love)

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred damage.
Five hundred twenty five thousand tokens attacked.
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred damage.
How do you survive, survive combat?

With lifelink, with first strike
With chump blocks, and lots of burn spells
With edicts, with vials, with ovens and cats
With five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred tokens
How do you survive, an all-out attack?

How about Fog?
How about Fog?
How about Fog?
Copies of Fog

Copies of Fog
Copies of Fog

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred damage
Five hundred twenty-five thousand cards in your hand
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred damage
How do you measure the worth of a creature or a land?

Her travels prepared
And the cards that he scry’d
With bridges ensnared
Or the Clue when she died

It’s time now, to cast it
Though the combo never ends
E-phemerate
Return it again in a game with friends

Remember to Fog
(Oh, you got to, you got to remember to Fog)
Remember to Fog
(You know that life is a resource to be used)
Remember to Fog
(Draw Fog, cast Fog, Spore Frog)
Copies of Fog
(Preserve, preserve your life with Fog)

Copies of Fog
Copies of Fog
(Preserve your life, preserve your life with Fog)

R&D was apparently experimenting with a “Turbo Fog” archetype for Standard, and several reprints for it were planned for Core Set 2021. These included Ensnaring Bridge and Ephemerate, among others. The marketing department latched onto this idea and included references to these cards in their lyrics. Some time after the musical was cancelled, the Turbo Fog deck was axed, and the cards were removed from the set. Naturally, the lyrics were never updated. Much like the Roiling Horror Picture Show, these lyrics provide an interesting snapshot of what could have been if the development of these sets had gone differently.

Will we ever get a chance to see a Double-Faced Musical, or has Wizards of the Coast abandoned the idea entirely? Only time will tell, but if history is any indication, we’ll certainly see more Magic related songs in the future.

*This article is a work of fiction, and is intended for entertainment only. Apologies to Wizards of the Coast and Jonathan Larson. I hope you like the new lyrics. In reality, this was inspired by a silly joke my friends and I made at D&D one night.