Rant of Valakut: Beauty and the Beast Token Ben Iverach-Brereton November 11, 2019 Rants of Valakut Yisan Records is pleased to present an exciting new animated musical from the team that brought you Jace’s Gatewatcheers, Mentor of the Meek, and Scoop…. Beauty and the Beast Token The story so far: Once upon a time, there was a professional Magic: the Gathering player who was having the best year of his career. One MagicFest, the player found himself paired up against an old woman in the tenth round. During the match he was overly rude to the woman, and in addition to receiving a warning for unsporting conduct, his opponent revealed herself to be a witch. Not satisfied that he only received a warning for his behaviour, she cursed the player, transforming him into a hideous Vizzerdrix. His teammates, for supporting the Beast’s poor behaviour, were likewise transformed into various Magic cards. The Beast now skulks around his home with his friends, including Lumiere (now a copy of Candelabra of Tawnos), Cogsworth (a copy of Unwinding Clock), and Mrs. Potts (a Storm Cauldron), among others. Despite his hideous appearance, there is still hope. If the Beast can rekindle his true love of Magic before the last sleeve of his deck breaks, he and his teammates will be restored. But, if the last sleeve splits, the team will be trapped in their new forms forever. Meanwhile, at the local gaming store, Gaston, a local Magic streamer, is forming a pro team of his own. He, like most of the players at the store, values wins over anything else. They believe that a player who wins is somehow morally superior to someone who doesn’t. Not everyone feels that way, though; one person who doesn’t share that belief is Belle. Belle is the daughter of a notorious, eccentric deckbuilder. Belle has taken after her father, and tends to build strange decks herself. Despite her odd brews, Belle actually does quite well at her local Friday Night Magic events, which generally confuses and frustrates the other players. She enjoys Magic immensely, but constantly longs to play against something new and different. The local players always use decks that they found online, and rarely change their lists from week to week, much to Belle’s chagrin. Belle’s recent local victories have drawn the attention of Gaston, who now seeks to recruit Belle to his pro team…. SINGING BELLE STRIKE To the tune of “Belle” from the 1991 animated classic, Beauty and the Beast: [Belle] Hear that sound? Someone’s casting Pillage Every game Like the one before Several rounds Full of several people Copying last May’s… [Assorted Gamers] Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! [Belle] There goes the playgroup with their decks, like always Their same old lists have gotten stale Every FNM’s the same Since we first saw Preordain At my local gaming store. … Baker: Good evening, Belle! Belle: ‘Evening, Monsieur. Baker: Where are you off to? Belle: The back table. I just finished the most wonderful deck with a Dream Stalker and an Ogre Battledriver and — Baker: That’s nice. Marie! The match slips! Hurry up! … [Gaming Group] Look there she goes, her decks are strange, no question: Demonic Pacts and Show and Tells Whether casting Cinder Cloud Or equipping Specter’s Shroud No denying she’s a funny girl that Belle. [Assorted Gamers] I Fetch, and Shock Take two from Thoughtseize. I Fetch, and Shock Down to six life. Should I build Eggs? It’s too expensive! [Belle] There must be more than these old Friday nights! … Trader: Ah, Belle. Belle: Good evening. I’ve come to return the cards I borrowed. Trader: Finished already? Belle: Oh, the deck worked like a charm. Have you got anything new? Trader: Ha Ha! Not since yesterday. Belle: That’s all right. Can I borrow . . . . . this one? Trader: That one? But you’ve brewed with it six times! Belle: Well, it’s my favorite. A unique ability, weird old rules, neat synergies, interesting flavour text — Trader: If you like the card so much, it’s yours! Belle: But, sir! Trader: I insist. Belle: Well, thank you. Thank you very much! … [Gaming Group] Look there she goes, her decks are so peculiar I hear she tested Drain the Well! With a Journal making Clues, There’s no card she wouldn’t use, Like Entourage of Trest or Debtors’ Knell. [Belle] Oh, have you heard of Phasing? Here’s my favorite card because, you see, It hardly seems worth running, But it makes my creatures always safe from sorceries! [Gaming Group] She’ll discard Wonder and cast Vow of Duty Her lands will tap to play Vorel. Like her main-deck Crystal Rod, Her lists are rather odd Very different from the rest of ours They’re nothing like the rest of ours Yes, different from the rest of ours are Belle’s! … LeFou: Wow! You didn’t drop a game, Gaston! You’re the greatest player in the whole world! Gaston: I know. LeFou: No guy alive stands a chance against you. Ha ha ha! And no girl, for that matter. Gaston: It’s true, LeFou. And I’ve got my sights set on that one. LeFou: Hm! The inventor of those janky decks? Gaston: She’s the one – the lucky girl who’s joining my pro team. LeFou: But she’s — Gaston: The girl with the most wins in the shop. LeFou: I know, but — Gaston: That makes her the best. And don’t I deserve the best? LeFou: Well, of course! I mean you do, but — … [Gaston] Right from the moment when I met her, faced her She two-for-oned with every spell In this store there’s only she Who is talented as me So I’m making plans to brew and test with Belle. [The “Sen Triplets“] See his Five-Os When he is streaming. Monsieur Gaston He’ll never scoop! He crushed me hard! It was a beating! His drafting skills are really good to boot! [Assorted Gamers] Mill four. Pay one. Good game. Two-three. I cast this Beacon. Tap Urza’s Towers. Such cheese. Ten cards! What round? Game three. Ahead on life. Chalice on two! I’m dead. Those ‘fish! Impale? Groundswell! Cast with Awaken. Well, I say go. [Belle] There must be more than these old Friday Nights! [Gaston] Just watch, I’m going to win with Belle’s spice! [Gaming Group] Look there she goes the girl is strange, but special A most peculiar mademoiselle! It’s a pity and a sin She doesn’t quite fit in ‘Cause she really is a funny girl A brewer but a funny girl She really is a funny girl That Belle! [Assorted Gamers] Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! Pro tour! *Author’s Note: My apologies to Disney and Wizards of the Coast. I hope you like the new lyrics and story! 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